Inner Critics: “the Molder”

Our inner critics can be formed of one or more ‘parts’ of our mind which have distinct personalities but general commonalities, like the critical methods they employ in getting us to keep our shit together (according to their definition of what that looks like). This is according to the Internal Family Systems model of psychotherapy, which is transforming people’s lives in its application in both clinical and wider self-development settings.

There may be other parts that collude with our inner critic(s) e.g. a people pleasing part, which continually prioritises others and what we perceive to be their happiness (after all, we cannot truly know) over our own, often with the hope that this will deliver the external acceptance and love this part thinks we need to be fulfilled.

The molder part of us absorbs messages about what’s ok and not, according to rules of our cultures, families and other communities we are part of. It takes these rules really seriously out of fear of being abandoned, shamed or rejected and pours us into the mould created by our external environment.

For example, if we grow up in a family where the privilege of university education is the norm throughout previous generations, we are unlikely to ‘break the mould’, or at least, our critical molder part will give us a hard time if we try to. In this instance, there may be overt expectations of others that drive the molder’s influence.

Another example might be being part of a family, a social circle and/or a wider culture where binge-drinking is a normal part of life, weekends and celebrations.

The molder does not care about our brutal hangovers — the last thing it’ll do is let us say ‘no’, stand up to peer pressure and stand out as a non-drinker, without a fight anyway.

When criticising us as a way of keeping us in line, the molder part is driven by serious FOPO (fear of people’s opinions) and so it does all it can to keep us safe, blending in with the status quo and out of the way of judgement.

The molder itself is loaded with judgmental beliefs about both us and other people and therefore it thinks (with utter certainty according to it) that everyone else is equally critical, or more so, of us.

This part is desperate for us to blend into our immediate and wider environments and be acceptable to, and accepted by, everyone around us. The need to be liked and admired by others is where people pleasing tendencies often appear, parts of us not realising that us liking and admiring ourselves is both possible and essential.

The work of the molder is not easy. It’s a constant battle to figure out how best to protect us from standing out or being ‘separate’ from the groups we dwell in in some way. Also, there are so many so-called rules of how to be out there, it can be hard to know which ones to keep and this increases the risk of breaking them!

This molder so concerned that we act or don’t act in certain ways that could isolate us, it does not care that we might be abandoning our authentic selves or instincts in the meantime.

The molder is extremely fearful that our innately wise and knowing self will cause us to behave in ways they deem ‘unacceptable’ i.e. un-proven, unprecedented or ‘against the grain’.

The longer and stronger a molder part works at undermining and overriding our natural, creative impulses, the more powerful it can grow and the less we become familiar with the sensation of resourcing that innate creativity.

Beneath all of the molder’s practical fears of being shamed, rejected and abandonment, there are often deep fears of loneliness and unworthiness. In this basis, it makes sense that it would work so hard to protect these difficult feelings from surfacing and even overwhelming us.

As a result of its dedication, it can become the norm for us to out-source authority and require some form of external permission to move forward in our lives in the way we really want to.

This can materialise as us only taking steps when others have already set a precedent, or not taking any steps at all because the molder part of us is waiting to be invited by an external authority to do so.

The problem is that often no one will ever offer explicit permission or outline of how things ‘should’ be done before we take action towards the things we want to do.

The good news is that we CAN make it up as we go along and so many people do this! Secondly, we can take inspiration from others who have ‘broken the mold’ in some way. It can be really eye-opening for the molder parts to discover that there is a precedent for deviating from norms too.

Ultimately, we have all of the wisdom, knowledge and answers within us about how to best feel and be in this world, but the temporary blockage in our self-trust can take some time to loosen and allow it to flow again.

Through connecting with these protective parts of us, like the molder, appreciating their version of the world including the fears and concerns that drive their influence over our lives, we can unburden them of the beliefs that don’t belong to them, are outdated or misguided.

Tips to get to know your inner molder

• What rules do you have in place about how you should be or things you should do because of the family generations that went before you, or your social circles, communities or the general culture you live in?
• Think about times where you have done or do something that deep down, you didn’t or don’t want to. This is likely to be when when the molder clings onto the necessity to comply with ‘the rules’, so can highlight some good examples of the molder’s beliefs about what the rules are.
• Where did these beliefs first materialise? Using inner dialogue or with your molder, or journalling from the perspective of you vs. them molder, find out more about the risks involved in breaking those rules. Ask the molder, what do you think will happen if I don’t conform with xyz?
• It’s important to approach the molder from a place of curiousity and compassion. Any other approach towards it may inflict tension in your inner system rather than heal it. Notice the parts of you that take issue with the molder’s behaviours and just ask them to let you get to know the molder — you aren’t going to let it take over.
• Have there been any times you have deviated from the well trodden path of your family, friendship circle or society, in order to live in a way that feels more true to you? What were the rewards when you did?
• What about your current life would you like to negotiate with the molder to try out an alternative arrangement? Can you anticipate the rewards available in doing that, and can you convince the molder that the benefits outweigh the risks?